How important is it to write a good online dating first email? The answer to that may seem obvious, but just in case it isn’t let me say: writing a great first message in online dating is critical to success or failure in your dating life. As I discuss in my free online dating guide, successful online dating relies in part on making great first impressions. Whether the first impression is in the photos you select for your profile, how you describe yourself, or the first email you write, taking time to make the best first impression is important.
For this discussion email refers to your first message in online dating. This will include whatever method the service you are using allows you to write a message to another member. It is also worth noting that most often discuss this from the point of view of a man contacting a woman, since that was my experience, but my hope is that the thoughts here are helpful to anyone. This discussion is primarily for sites such as Match.
com where you write the online dating first message yourself (see more on how match.com works if you’re not familiar with what I’m referring to). This advice may still be helpful for sites such as eHarmony or Chemistry.com, however these services guide the communication and there is less “emailing” early on. Writing the online dating first email is the area where I made the biggest mistakes for the longest period of time when I was dating online.
I would write overly long and, in my head, witty emails that very rarely received responses. Once, I wrote no less than two pages based on a girl’s heading to her profile. The HEADING! I thought I was making conversation but all I was making was a girl scared. I really did mean well. I just didn’t know what I was doing. Writing a Better First Email My rule here is very simple: keep your first email very short.
Give anything longer than three sentences a good, hard look before sending. There are several reasons I’m for short first emails. Your profile is what you use to sell yourself, not your first email. While I feel that your profile should be a constant battle between brevity and substance, it should definitely hold enough for someone to make a decision about communicating with you. If it doesn’t, don’t try and fix it in your emails: go back to your profile and improve that first.
The email should be the bait to get someone to view your profile. If they don’t like your profile, long-winded emails are wasting your time. You have to keep your weird factor low. Never forget that you are working against the bad impressions created by every weird person who has come before you (or even the good intentioned people who just come off odd like I used to!). Short emails can come off as confident.
Worded wrongly they can come off as cocky but even that is more acceptable than crazy/weird. With online dating, the first message can make or break your chances of a successful first date. Based on my experience, I think the above are good guidelines to improve your odds of getting the conversation going. Okay…So What Should I Include? So what do you include in this short, introductory email? As I’ve said, in online dating a first message can have a huge affect, but what helps the most? Here’s my short 4-point list of easy to follow ideas: First, try to include something in your first email to prove you read their profile.
Many guys out there spam the same email to every girl they find attractive; most girls catch on to this and then look for it in other emails. Obviously, women can be initiating emails too, so this rule applies to them as well…but I’ve never heard of women who spam like this. Second, if you find something in a profile that you have in common or there is something you like about the profile, mention that area in your email (if there are multiple things you really like, just mention one).
Finally, I’d recommend that you ask a question in your first email. That might seem obvious but I’ve been surprised at how many people don’t do this. Often this question can be about a common interest you mention but any question is better than none. If you can’t think of any questions, why not ask them out on a date? As I’ve discussed in my thoughts on the first date, better to ask too soon than waiting too long.
Never, ever, ever title the subject of your email as “Hi” or “Hello” or whatever. A large majority of emails sent are titled this way and if you contact a woman who received 15 email contacts since the last time she logged on, your email is going to get lost in the mix. Sure, she might review it and respond but why not try to stand out even before she opens your email? Exaggerating Your Thoughts on Shared Interests One optional approach to emailing that I recommend is something I learned worked well: if I had something in common with the profile I was reading, I would sometimes express more excitement about the similarity than truly existed.
I wouldn’t flat-out lie but I would go out of my way to emphasize the shared interest. For example, I enjoy an occasional day walking around a big city. If a woman mentioned this interest in her profile I wouldn’t say “I like going to big cities, too.” I would say “I love walking through the city too…although some days I think I must be the only one!”. Saying that I love walking through the city is a stretch but I would want to add some strength to my statement.
Why? Most emotion is lost in online communication (and anyone who has used a :) in emails agrees with me). To avoid this, I would try to show my true level of interest by exaggerating it. Also, I felt that making someone feel “liked” early on would help them feel more comfortable and more likely to respond. Even though sometimes I felt like I was going over the top, I still saw a lot of success going with this type of emphasis.
Example Online Dating First Emails Giving advice on writing a better first message in online dating is good, but I think examples make it better. Let’s look at a few real profiles, although I am shortening them, that I’m pulling from a popular dating site. I’ll write a first email that I would send if I were interested in meeting the woman. The first profile is what I would consider a “normal” email where contact is made but not much else.
The next two are special cases where asking the girl out occurs in the first email. In my experience with online dating, first messages where I asked the girl out were uncommon for me but I felt that in both the second and third first email example, it was the best option based off of the profile. So don’t see this as a suggestion that you should be asking women out more often than not in a first email; that’s not my point.
These are just examples and ideas on writing a first email and you should go with what your comfortable with. I’ll be changing some profile details to avoid intruding on someone’s life, but I will keep the general ideas expressed in these profiles the same. Profile 1: I am a XX year old looking for a nice guy to get to know and have a wonderful time together. I am a very outgoing person and enjoy all types of activities.
My friends say I’m very outgoing but I think I’m shy when first meeting people. I work full-time as a real estate agent. I am very sociable and enjoy being around people. If you would like to get to know me, just send me a message. This young lady devoted half of her profile to talking, in some fashion, about being social. This seems like one of the better points of focus when writing the email: Response 1: Subject: Just sending that message! Hi – I’d like to get to know you so here’s your message! I love being sociable too and liked what I was seeing in your profile.
Have you ever gone swing dancing? My approach here is to be positive but brief. I make it clear I read her profile (even in my subject) and let her know that I’m interested in who she is. I don’t ask her out but the swing dancing reference is there to say “If you write back, I just might”. I chose swing dancing because I’ve done it a few times and by mentioning it I’m backing up the statement that I enjoy social activity.
The goal here is to get her interest, have her look at my profile and if she likes what she sees, move forward. Profile 2: I am crazy, unique and creative. Everyday boring life turns into an adventure along with me! Born and raised in the [a city] looking for someone to curl up watch a movie with or football or just hang out. A little facial hair is a plus and someone with an awesome personality is key! I’m cute but of course not looking for a stalker so I choose to remain a mystery until you contact me! Hope to hear from you soon.
Now this is someone I would not likely contact but I’m trying to be fair by grabbing profiles at random, not just those I can write an email to easiest. She openly admits concern over stalkers (enough concern that she’s included no photo of herself) so not coming off as weird is very important. However, something about her profile makes me feel like she may not respond to many emails, perhaps due to her confidence in what she wants, so I’m more willing to take a risk.
The important parts again are: don’t appear like a stalker and to be brief. In this case I’m going to play off her professed “likes” by attempting to be unique and creative when I write my email: Reponse 2: Subject: Mirror, Mirror dna evitaerc…gab dnuop evif a ni nuf fo sdnuop net ekil dnuos uoY. ereht yeHeeffoc fo puc a gninrut tuoba leef uoy dluow woH !ecap fo egnahc taerg a si euqinu?keew siht retal erutnevda na otni Hopefully right now you’re saying, “Ah, I see what you did there”.
Would this work? Maybe yes, maybe no. Chances are it would be the most unique email she’ll get that day and I bet she’d really enjoy it. Even in the case where she decides it is horribly corny, she might appreciate the unique quality it had. I still keep the email short and include information that proves I’ve actually read her profile. I also ask her out in the first email because: someone adventurous doesn’t want to email for long, they want to meet people I’m asking before I’ve seen a picture which may improve my odds of not being stalker material.
Profile 3: Hi! I am XX years old I love living life to its fullest. I travel every chance I can and love being around those I share things in common with. This is an example of how sometimes profiles are too short and give you no clues to who the person is. With this type of profile, I always felt like simply asking them out on safe date in the first email is fine. There’s not too much to work with here aside from asking travel questions which, by looking at her profile, probably already happens in every email she receives.
In this case, I’d just flat out ask her out. I know this looks like nothing but I’ve had success with these types of emails (my wife being the best example…although her profile was actually good!): Response 3: Hello! I liked your profile – would you be interested in having lunch at [someplace safe like a local diner/bookstore/coffee shop]? For all these examples, I’ve intentionally chosen profiles that were very short to keep the examples to a reasonable size.
Most profiles should have much more information for you to work with but you can apply the exact same ideas: Keep your emails short and positive Also, regardless what any book or person tells you (including this guy), you need to be making decisions for yourself. I spent too much time blindly follow good-intentioned advice and not thinking for myself early on when dating online. So better to listen to your gut and break any “rules” (such as keeping the email short) when you think it would work to your favor.
For example, in the Profile 3, creating an invitation to have a drink that looked like a travel itinerary might work well if she had mentioned enjoying creativity or if her profile was very creative. Sometimes we can get so caught up in following “rules” that our online dating first messages don’t end up reflecting us very well and… Everything else aside, just coming off normal and interested goes a long way.
[Read more: Read more first email examples from my working with a reader of this site] What If I’m Still Struggling with My Online Dating First Emails? I hope my advice here is helpful for you however I also realize success is also often easier said than done. My advice in this article is based mostly on sites like Match.com where we find ourselves having to initiate contact all on our own. If you continue to struggle writing your first emails or struggle with getting responses with a service like this, trying a service like eHarmony might be helpful.
Why This Service?eHarmony operates in a different way where they control much of the early communication for you. I have discussed the features of this service a lot on my site so I don’t want to cover all of that again here but I will point out that: eHarmony is very friendly to those new to online dating as it helps guide you through the process. The service makes the first contact easy for both men and women since it’s more of a process than a traditional first contact.
Because communication is controlled, making mistakes (like writing a 5 page first email!) are much harder or impossible. Now it’s not all rainbows and butterflies: eHarmony does tend to aim for what they measure as quality over quantity, which at times can limit the opportunities you have on occasion. However, while I met my wife using Match.com I felt that it was eHarmony that really helped me become more comfortable with online dating.
If you read my online dating guide you’ll know that my first 6 months or so I had very little success. However, during this “bad” phase of my dating life eHarmony was the service where I was having some success (even if limited). You can learn more details on my thoughts on this service in my article on How eHarmony Works. No matter what service you choose, I hope my advice here will help you with your first messages.
Online dating can be unforgiving and for many of us it is easy to make mistakes without even realizing it. I hope the steps included here are helpful for you in avoiding problems in this area! Learn more in my free online dating ebook…See Also: Appliance Bulb Base Size
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Breaking the ice—in any situation—is no easy feat. Whether you’re approaching someone at a bar, a party, or online, putting yourself out there can be an awkward and scary experience, even for people who are naturally outgoing. Lucky for us, breaking the ice online is a lot easier and a lot less frightening than approaching someone in real life. You don’t have to deal with a crowd of people watching you, you can take a really long time thinking of what to say, and you have the assurance of knowing that the people you’re approaching are also single and open to meeting someone—after all, they’re on a dating site.
Next time you log in and start meeting people, consider these five online dating tips for writing a first message: Don’t be nervous. Even if your stomach is tied up into knots and you’re so nervous you can barely type, try to stay calm. Go splash some cold water on your face, look in the mirror, and ask yourself, “What do I have to lose?” Really, it’s not like the person on the other end of the message is going to publicly reject you, and you’ll never have to see this person in real life if nothing comes out of your attempt.
The worst that can happen is an “I’m not interested” message, which you can quickly delete. And, if you get no response at all, you can do what we all do and just pretend it never happened. The ability to compartmentalize is a beautiful thing. Do your homework. Actually take the time to read someone’s profile before sending that first message. I know a lot of us are quick on the draw when it comes to messaging people who catch our eye, but it helps to actually know something about that person before you message them.
And, from the feedback I’ve gotten from real online daters, we know that’s exactly what most online daters want you to do. One online dater Elizabetta wrote, “Before flirting or mailing, please, read my profile. Do not just look at the photo! Think: Do we have anything in common, why would she be interested in me? There is a reason she has written all that.” Another dater, Damian, said, “The best flirt I ever received was from a lady who wrote something that showed she had at least read my profile.
In fact, I thank her to this day for her honesty and friendly reply.” Tailor-made messages, like tailor-made clothes, really do fit better. You’ll see. Cool your jets. “Cool it down,” isn’t just a lyric in one of our favorite Velvet Underground songs. It’s also basic advice when it comes to dating. Online dater, Nathaniel elaborated for us, “Girls get tired of cheesy compliments like, ‘you are so beautiful, you have such beautiful eyes, I think I’m in love, I’ve died and gone to heaven, if I’m sleeping don’t wake me, I must be dreaming, let’s do it, your so hot, etc.
’ Don’t use pick up lines ever. They don’t work.” The same goes for guys; everyone will just think you’re creepy if you over-do it with compliments, especially when you barely know them. According to data from the online dating site Zoosk, messages with generic compliments that included words like sexy, cute, beautiful, or gorgeous actually made responses go down. Also, while it’s one thing to be tongue-in-cheek, it’s another thing to be vulgar.
The best way to approach a first message is to keep it in ‘friend’ territory. Keep your message light and simple. You have plenty of time to develop things further, so be patient for now. Avoid TMI TMI, or ‘too much information’, about yourself is a no-no on a first date, and it’s also a no-no with a first message too. Generally, when people talk too much about themselves it reveals a real problem with listening, which is a turn off.
If things work out between you and your prospective match, they’ll find out everything about you in due course. There is no need to tell someone everything about your life right away. Also, keep an eye on the scale of your letter. Don’t write a novel, but don’t send a haiku either. While you should make sure you include enough text to spark someone’s interest, don’t include so much that they fall asleep while scrolling through it.
And you should make sure at least some of your sentences end with a question mark. Asking questions in your message, as opposed to talking nonstop about yourself, is also a great way to get a reply. Spellcheck. Prease. Please. Never underestimate the power of a typo-proof message. Typos and grammatical mistakes are ugly blips that detract from the sincerity and sweetness of what you’re saying. Can you imagine what Sonnet 18 would be like if instead of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day,” Shakespeare wrote instead, “Shlal I compaer the 2 a sumur’s dai?” If you feel uncomfortable with the grammatical integrity of a message, why not run a simple grammar and spelling check on it? It’s not that hard, we promise.
Just to give you an idea of what a good first message might look like, below is a sample first message to use as an example. Hi _____. My name is _____, and I really liked what you said in your profile! We share a lot of interests, like synchronized swimming and live action role playing games. It also appears that we have really similar music taste. Norwegian death metal is the best! What’s your favorite band? Also, I noticed in your picture that you have a pet turtle.
I have a pet turtle too, named Rick! He’s thirty-five years old. Do you have any other pets? I’m a vegetarian and I love animals, and I’m happy to read that you’re a vegetarian too. Anyway, I hope to hear back from you because you sound really interesting. Have a nice day! Best, _____. See how easy that was? Even if you don’t think you’d respond to a message like that, I’m sure the pet-turtle having, Norwegian death metal loving, synchronized swimming LARPer getting that message definitely would.
Next time you’re ready to start messaging someone, remember these tips. Over time, you’ll realize that breaking the ice online isn’t so bad after all. In fact,you might even surprise yourself and start having fun.