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Related Subreddits: /r/askwomenadvice/r/thinlydisguisedrants/r/twoxchromosomes/r/relationships/r/sex/r/TwoXSex/r/xxfitness/r/femmethoughts/r/birthcontrol/r/dating_advice/r/oney/r/makeupaddiction/r/fancyfollicles/r/hair/r/mommit/r/blackladies/r/okcupid/r/asiantwoX/r/actuallesbians I'm trying to be more proactive on mine, but I'm not really sure what to say in these messages. Dating is hard :) I say what I'd like said to me.
Something that shows I've read the profile, how that relates to me, compliment him, and then I'll ask a question relating to those things in his profile so that we can get a conversation started. Basically this. I messaged my very awesome now boyfriend first. I only wish I had done it sooner, I had seen him around on the dating website we were both on before, but I was just so sure that he wouldn't message me back that I let it get to me.
Honestly, I wasn't a huge fan of online dating but I did have a profile for a few months. I would usually just send a message and say "hey, I saw your profile and I think you're really handsome and you seem interesting so I thought I'd just say hello." I almost always got a reply! Men seemed really excited by women who made the first move so I would go for it. And BTW - that's an awesome first message to send.
It's that simple really! I bet you had lots of positive responses too! As a man on a dating site, I have to disagree. There's some good advice on /r/okcupid but when I send messages I try to do a few things. The first is to show that I actually read their profile by commenting on something they mentioned, like a story or interest. The next is to give them a next move, usually by asking a question or sometimes just an interesting conversation prompt.
The third is just to do it all in an interesting but brief way so that the message doesn't get lost in the tons that girls get. If I got a message like /u/newdaytoday1's I would probably reply but I don't think I would be expecting them to be someone really interesting that I'd love to have a conversation with. Plus, I'm pretty sure that most women discourage men from opening with something purely physical and I think that advice flies for men.
If a woman got a message that went: "You're hot and you seem interesting, want to chat?" do you think she be really excited to get to know him? Edit: To those who have pointed out the different dynamics of men and women on dating sites, I absolutely agree that is the reality of the situation. However, I would like to think that equality-minded folk would like to see those roles become more symmetrical.
As r/askwomen generally embraces more equilateral gender roles, I would assume that most of the women here wouldn't be thrilled to say, "Eh I'll just not message or send uninteresting messages focusing on looks and let guys come to me on dating sites." Sure it's an easy way to do it, but that doesn't seem very fair and balanced to me. Also, as other commentors in this thread have had poor results from this kind of message so even if they do get responses, do they get results? They establish an immediate focus on physical attraction and put the onus of interesting conversation on the guy.
Lastly there are a plethora of women I've seen on OkC who specifically say in their profile; "don't message me if you're just interested in sex" or "don't just comment on my looks". They're going to assume certain things about a guy messaging them and opening with physical appearance instead of personality, so why wouldn't a guy assume certain things about a girl who opens the same way? While I agree its not an "awesome" first message, a woman's doesn't need to be.
She could literally just type "blarg" and most men would still respond. eh, I agree with /u/mechalosopher. To be blunt it might depend on how often the guy got messaged but I don't reply to people who message something bland like "how was your weekend?". I will however read their profile and will likely reply with a message of my own if they seem interesting. I agree but double standards and the fact that a guy's box will be empty compared to hers means she most likely get a response if she meets a threshold if cuteness and first message ifs not crazy.
But agreed that it sucks in keeping the conversation going after first msg It seems so forced sometimes. "Hey I see you like Kayaking I like kayaking too!" Also you can't equate how a woman online responds to how your average guy would. Women receive gazillions of messages a day. Dudes rarely ever do so there's less nonsense to sift through for a guy. Simple is best. Girls get a lot more shit messages, though, so if yours doesn't hold her interest or show that you actually took an interest in her profile, it'll get deleted.
And it is forced if you're only going "Hey we both like kayaking". A more natural approach would be "Hey, I like kayaking too. What's your favorite place to go kayaking?" Because then you're asking questions to get to know her. Simply commenting on her love of kayaking won't get you far :P I guess you're right on that. I'm not someone who I would consider to be charming but in the future I could make not to say something more insightful.
I did! I wasn't cut out for online dating though. I think I'm too young for it to be honest. Guys who are older and looking for something serious don't want a girl my age and those who are my age want sex immediately. HOwever, I did get lots of responses! There are certainly young guys on dating sites looking for something serious. Just not the ones I communicated with...however I will admit I probably didn't give it a fair shot.
I think that if you open with something purely physical ("you're handsome") you set the tone and standard of the conversation. If I got that message I would assume that it was going to be a casual sex kind of a thing because the girl didn't mention my profile, interests, or interesting photos. If you ever try to give it another shot maybe lead with those kinds of things. If you are looking for something serious I would open up with a question or comment about shared interests, or questions about something intriguing the person does.
Opening up with a comment on physical attractiveness sets the stage for something less serious. Thank you for your insight. I never thought about it like that! Pretend that you are at a party, you just overheard them say their profile to another person at the party, and you want to muscle your way into the conversation. "Dude, rock climbing? Do you ever go to SUPERROCK in CITYNAME?" "I have never heard someone make a sex joke about muppets before.
Muppet Treasure Island was basically my entire childhood and now I'm not sure how to feel about it." You know, pick the thing in there that you are excited about about them, and just launch into talking about that thing, and if they want to talk about that thing with you they will. That's actually a really solid way of looking at it. Excellent advice. I messaged a guy first once. We went to the same school but I didn't recognize him so I wrote "hello fellow [mascot].
" He deleted me. :( He's a jerk! Why do you say that? Yeah thanks! I don't know if he got nervous that maybe somehow I knew him or something. I didn't recognize him at all and we had no FB friends in common (this was Tinder). It definitely turned me off to sending the first message. I rarely get messaged so I thought it would be a good idea to message a guy but nope! Well I would keep on doing it.
I can understand why that would make you feel that way though! I know I had a few people message me back and say "sorry, not my type" and stuff like that. However, the majority of the time I got responses. I wouldn't let one match ruin your experience! Keep on trying! I would message with "Hi, I'm _____" and follow it up with something about their profile and some questions pertient to their profile.
I honestly got less of a response than my "Hey, how are you?" messages. Thank god for OKC filtering otherwise my inbox would be full to bursting with 40-year-old men asking me to do the sex. Otherwise, I mostly got either "Hi, how are you" messages, copypastas (some unusually long and creepy) and the occasional good message I would reply to. But I learned quickly that because I present myself as a nerdy girl, most nerd guys would latch onto that and only ask me about my favorite Firefly character and the conversation would fizzle out eventually.
Nothing wrong with nerd guys who ask about our mutual interests, but that doesn't exactly dig deep or pique my interests. What is the difference between the conversations that fizzle and the ones that keep going? I feel I have this issue but it only happens to me online when meeting someone new, I have never had trouble keeping a conversation in person. The ones that fizzle out are the ones that never try to dig deeper than "do you have siblings" or "do you like Ocarina of Time or Wind Waker better?" Like, yeah, those are definitely good things to ask overall, but that's basic small talk.
It's stuff you can learn from a questionnaire. It doesn't tell you about me. The conversations that keep going are the ones that go into "tell me a good memory from your childhood" or "How often have you moved, and to where?" - the questions that people ask when trying to get to know someone. Maybe the trying to dig deeper part just comes more naturally in person because having a conversation gives me more cues.
For me, doing the same on the internet is like jumping off the diving board without knowing there is water below. Maybe i just need to be a bigger risk taker. I totally get that. It's easier to tell if you have the okay to ask bigger questions. If you ask an impertinent question, though, the person can just not message back. But if you take the risk and start asking the bigger questions then you'll hold people's interest a lot longer than if you're asking about really easy, risk-free questions.
Let me put it this way: the few times asking about basic small-talk things actually got me to go out on a date with the person, it never went past the first date. The times someone asked the deeper, more hard-hitting questions, it almost always led to a date and often more than one. Thanks for responding to all my questions. No problem. I hope this helps you out :) I really like guys that make jokes in the "You should message me if" part of OKCupid profiles.
It pre-breaks the ice and makes it feel like a conversation rather than a cold call. I will also revisit profiles over time to see if inspirations hits me. I will rate them highly so they get the "Someone likes you" notification, and sometimes play visit chicken to see if he'll go first. Basically, I agree...dating is hard. Something that connects with what they said in their profile. I had a few comments about food/cooking in mine, and one guy said something like, "I noticed you're into trying new food and cooking.
I spent a couple years working at a Mediterranean restaurant. What's your favorite food?" His message A) Showed that he had taken the time to ready through my profile, B) told me a little about himself, and C) opened up the conversation in a really friendly way. I say do something like that. Women that have messaged me first generally introduce themselves (hi my name is___) and follow it up with a remark about something in my profile.
That's pretty basic. It's what I try to do when I'm messaging women too. You have to provide something for them to respond to other than, "Hey." Your lucky, all I ever got was effortless short messeges like "hi, your funny" or " I liked you profile" - I never respond to those. No effort invested in the message is a total turn off for me. The guy I'm currently dating saw my profile, made a joke about my love of Ocarina of Time (he thinks Wind Waker is the best Zelda game, agree to disagree, whatevs) and asked if I liked crunchy or creamy peanut butter (I mentioned on Friday nights I'm typically eating peanut butter from a spoon and playing video games).
Then introduced himself and said he thought I seemed pretty rad. Yes, rad. It was a good first message, and definitely led to a date, which led to a second, which led to six months later going swing dancing and road tripping. Or "hey sexy." I flat out said in my profile that if anyone messaged me with subject line: "hey" and message body: "hi" that I wouldn't respond because my head would explode from the awesome conversational skills.
Still got those messages. I liked to message first if I felt I had something to say. I'd always reference something specific from the guy's profile that piqued my interest - a tv show, or 'Hey I've been that place too; what did you think?' or 'Yeah! Mayonnaise is SO gross!' but I'm not really sure what to say in these messages. Read the person's profile and ask them something about it that seems interesting or something with which you have a shared interest.
Honestly no matter what you send you will probably get a response simply because most guys don't get many messages sent to them, but a guy will be much more intrigued by a message that asks them about a message then a simple "you're attractive, hello" type message. In short think about the type of message you would like to see from someone and write that type of message to the people you are interested in.
The worst/funniest thing you can do which is more common then the people who's profiles say not to message them if you just have a generic message and they send how messages like "hey, how are you" I only message if something about their profile really stands out as unique to me, so I usually comment on whatever it is in their profile I like. I only respond to messages where people have obviously read at least some of my profile, so I assume people will do the same.
I look for something in the profile I can be a bit funny or playful about to get a smile. If the profile doesn't have much, I usually as something about one of the photos. There was no "typically" in my messages. They were tailored to the profile I was reading. Ah I am an outgoing girl, I want to find a guy who can treat me honestly, if u can do that, we can date on Sunday I'm the type of person who's never met a stranger, so it's easy for me to launch into conversation or remark on something obscure in their profile.
It usually doesn't work. I would just start playing it safe, but I figure it's better to continue to be me and see if it sticks. I directly respond to particularly interesting facets of their profile. Places where we can connect or carry on a good conversation. Well written profiles that show interests and a sense of humor give me a reason to talk to the dude. I messaged Mr Frome because his profile said "Apples and spiders.
I hate one and love the other. Guess which." I asked him if he was terrified of apples. This led to a very amusing conversation about spiders and how horrible they are. It's silly, but it got my attention. If I'm very interested in the person, I've said something like, "I love how you said you imagine you're in your own movie while riding your bike around the city. I imagine I'm starring in my own miniseries when I'm driving in the country.
Hi, I'm scallops. My profile is pretty indicative of who I am, so....check me out. No, really, check me out." If I'm so-so, I'll say, "You seem really awesome! How did I not notice your profile before?" I only felt compelled to message one person. I told him he sounded delightful. He messaged right back, we met the next day, and now we're in a relationship. Turns out I was right! When I was single and on online dating sites, I would only send a message if the guy had a band, book, or film that I loved and that no one else seemed to be into.
If it was a band, I would ask how or when they started listening to them and what their favorite album was. A guy had in his profile "bonus points if you message me first" so i said hello, introduced myself and said "would you like to give my bonus points in person or by mail?" Were getting married in july :) so i musta said sumthin right! Usually something simple like, "hey" or "hi" and let them take it from there.
Be straightforward and honest: tell him what it is about his profile that attracted you. Was it his looks? His alma mater? The fact that he loves long, romantic walks on the beach? I met my man online and the reason I responded to him was because he was the only guy among hundreds that hadn't posted a picture of himself shirtless. And I thought he had a sincere, honest smile. I told him that. We've been together 5 years.
See Also: Putting Your Spouse First
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Online Dating Startups and CompaniesOnline DatingTips and Hacks for Everyday LifeDating and RelationshipsWhat is a good opening message to write when communicating on an online dating site?https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-write-a-good-profile-on-a-dating-siteIan Edwards, Charmistry.comUpdated 313w ago · Author has 81 answers and 457.5k answer viewsOriginally Answered: What are the best things to write in an online dating first contact email?Online dating is funny.
Back when I was a precocious, introverted youth who completely lacked charm, I tried online dating. I totally struck out, which wasn't particularly surprising at the time.Fast forward a couple years. By this point in my life I had come out of my shell, all that, so I decided to try online dating again. And, yet again, I struck out. But this time it didn't make any sense. I mean, I knew what I was doing .
.. so why didn't what I knew how to do work online?So I resolved to crack the code of online dating. I began doing this the only way I knew how: through disciplined experimentation and testing. Over the course of a couple years I, along with a team of friends, split tested multiple profiles, in multiple cities, on various sites, and gauged the opposite sex's responses to different messages, as well as what sequences of messages led to the best response.
By the end of my time doing this I had discovered many key tips and best practices for online dating, as well as many "copy-and-paste" message templates that routinely had a response rate hovering around 75%.What follows are some of the things I learned during that time about sending effective online dating messages:1. Have a compelling avatar image. On most dating sites, your profile photo will show up shrunken next to the message.
Make this image appealing. Just like you would on Twitter or Quora, pick an avatar image that's iconic and sparks curiosity. A good image should make them want to click on the message because they're curious. For example:(The nuances of good profile photos are beyond this message ... I'm sure I'll find somewhere else to answer that specific question on Quora).2. Have a compelling username. Notice that your username shows up in the preview as well .
.. so come up with something witty that says something about yourself. Boring usernames like "John21234" should be avoided. Same goes for anything suggestive like "BigPackage1".3. Spark curiosity with the first few lines of your email. Just like in Gmail, many dating sites show a preview of your message in the inbox. Effective email marketers will tell you that, to maximize CTR, it's best to make this text snippet unique and compelling.
You should do the same with online dating. The first few lines of your email should be unique and not something they've seen before. And they should be an "open loop" of sorts that inspires curiosity and makes them want to click to read more.Here's an example of what NOT to do:(There's no intrigue here, no mystery. You know exactly what this guy wants ... he's asking you to put effort in immediately, without knowing anything about him other than what he looks like in a miniature avatar image .
.. and he doesn't stand out from the pack at all ... there are so many things wrong with messages like this one).(Likewise, a little bit much ... she's asking you to make a decision about whether or not you like her off the bat, from her profile photo alone ... she's asking too much, really ... this is unfortunate because, had you interacted with her more, you might have discovered you liked her).4.
Stand out from the pack. Women, in particular, have overflowing inboxes, full of hundreds of messages just like these:"Hi." "Hey." "I liked your profile." "Where do you ... ?""Wink." Accustomed as they are to this barrage of boring, uninspiring messages, women will not respond to anything that follows the usual patterns. Do. Something. Different.5. If you're a guy, never ever wink; if you're a girl, wink away.
It's still better to send a message, even if you're a girl, but at the very least winks are acceptable for women. 6. Have a killer profile to back up your message. Once someone's intrigued by your message, they'll often visit your profile to see what you're about. When this happens, your profile MUST deliver. Remember that people have many, many options when it comes to who they message on these sites, so your profile must impress while simultaneously avoiding any red flags (of which there are many).
(Like with profile photos, I'm sure I'll go into greater depth about online dating profiles elsewhere).7. Match their profile style with your message. There tend to be roughly two types of profiles on dating sites: a) long, sophisticated, intelligent ones and b) short, immature, one or two sentence ones. Your message style should match their profile style.For example, if a girl has a profile that consists of nothing more than:Then you'll want to respond with a short, fun, flirty message.
You could send something like:I need your advice on something ... I stumbled across this girl's profile recently ... she's in school, into yoga, seems fun and a little bit adventurous ... I want to flirt with her ... what's something really smooth I could message her? ;-)But, if you're looking at someone who's older or just more intelligent and refined, you can do something a bit different. For example:So .
..it's funny ... ... something about your profile really caught my eye ... and seemed strangely familiar in that sixth-sense, gut-sense kinda way.I mean, you're into yoga, lived in Spain, and seem a little bit adventurous ... between that and your photos, it made me wonder: have we met before?8. Include a uniquely phrased compliment. One of the reasons the above approaches are effective are because they include a well-phrased compliment that's not cheesy or superficial or about their looks or attractiveness.
Mentioning you found something intriguing about their profile gives them a reason why you're messaging. It also makes it clear that you're not sending a stock email. All this is key.9. Message at the right time of day. Top times for responses are Sunday between 10am and 2pm and Monday through Thursday during the day. Try to email during those times if you can. Messaging at 2am, on on Thu, Fri, and Sat evenings, is to be avoided at all costs.
10. Experiment! None of the examples I've given above will probably work, word for word, off the shelf for you. There are so many places an interaction can go wrong online ... plus, there are complex interactions between your profile and photo and first message, as well as between all subsequent messages, that we can't get into here. Develop a testing mindset ... and experiment!Hopefully, though, some of these tips have been helpful and can get you started.
Your response is private.Is this answer still relevant and up to date?YesNoJulie Marroquin, former I know about dating Answered 56w agoOnline Dating First Message Tips: Opening Lines that WorkI’ll just come right out and say it: Most first messages on online dating sites are terrible. They’re lame, impersonal and just make you feel, well, kind of icky.These days, you can find everything online from shopping for consumer products to hiring various types of services.
So, when it comes to dating, we simply move to online options. There are various online dating sites available. However, most of them are paid but still there are few reputable sites that charge you nothing.OKCupid Alternative Best paid online dating website : Cupid ZBest free online dating website : Love MatchTIP: Cupid Z has millions of girls from North America and Europe looking for cute , decent guys to date.
Browse photo profiles, filter by zip code and meet someone this weekend.The immediate thought is Oh, he must say this to everyone or Great, she didn’t even read my profile. I don’t know who invented pickup lines and publicized the notion that they’re a catalyst to romance, but I wish we could all recognize there are better places to start that aren’t thinly-veiled catcalls. Nobody likes being fed a line, period.
So I came up with some online dating first message tips that can help you get more responses and get that much closer to meeting someone special.Online dating can make you feel vulnerable. You’re putting yourself out there and inviting people to pass judgment on your hobbies, interests, and looks. So when you get a message that disregards the special things that make you who you are, it makes you feel disrespected.
I get it, though. If you rely on pickup lines, I kind of see where you’re coming from, and there’s a chance that you mean well. It’s easy to succumb to the pressure of pickup lines, because they’re just that—easy. We see the “cool” guys effortlessly use pickup lines in movies, to great success. We read listicles about the funniest and most clever and most sure-fire things to say when you want to ask someone out.
But in reality, no matter how winning a line seems or how many times you’ve practiced it, the line usually falls short. The good news is there are better ways to go about it.I’m suggesting we say “no” to pickup lines and “yes” to opening lines. There—that already sounds a little friendlier. If you want to make the first move or send the first message while online dating, more power to you.
But don’t panic and fall back on a cheesy pickup line, or you run the risk of coming off as demeaning and predatory. Instead, let’s explore opening lines that will actually get you somewhere. These work especially well for online dating. These are specific to me, so adjust accordingly.“Hi, I’m ____.”It’s mind-blowingly simple advice, but oh-so effective: Just say hi. The most overlooked word in the online dating world is hi.
There’s some merit behind Jerry Maguire’s “You had me at hello”—sometimes “hi” is the perfect thing to say. Simple? Yes. Effective? Absolutely. A polite introduction goes a long way and echoes something you would actually say in real life, demonstrating that you have good manners.“I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school.”Don’t you hate it when somebody messages you and asks, “So, where are you from?” or “What do you like to do for fun?” It makes you feel like they skipped the profile and just messaged you as part of their numbers game.
I can’t stress this enough—actually read their profile! Commenting on something he or she wrote in their profile shows that you actually took the time to read what they wrote.However, don’t push your luck and try to be cute. “I’ve visited St. Louis before, I almost went to WashU for grad school. Maybe you can show me the city some day.” This is an opening line turned pickup line. There’s no need to add the second part—it reads as overly cocky and confident, and negates the good of the first part of the sentence.
“What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!”Another online dating first message tip is to break the ice with a (clean) joke. It can work wonders for clearing up any awkwardness you might feel during the first few messages. It’s not, however, an excuse to infuse the conversation with sexual innuendo. A joke could technically be classified as a pickup line, but I think as long as you tell it with good intentions, you’re in the clear.
“You look great in hats.”I can’t tell you how thrilled I would be to receive this message from a potential match. It’s more specific than the expected “You have nice eyes” go-to compliment. The person might genuinely have great eyes, but try giving a compliment that’s a little quirkier and tailored to what they show in their photos. It will show that you actually absorbed information and remembered the details of what they presented to you in their profile.
It also serves as a conversation starter—for example, if the person was wearing a baseball cap, you could ask if they’re a fan of the sports team on the front.“Hey, your profile caught my eye. I think we have a lot in common. Do you want to meet for a drink tomorrow and see if we hit it off?”The formality of the initial message exchange can be a little slow at times. If you’re genuinely interested in pursuing someone, why beat around the bush? Instead of exchanging polite banter back and forth, sometimes it’s just better to go for it in person.
Now, it’s time for you to try these online dating first message tips for yourself! Remember, it’s not just what you say—it’s also how you say it. Pickup lines are intended to give you confidence, whereas opening lines have confidence—and respect—baked in. And the simpler, the better. Ask yourself, Would I say this to somebody’s face? Or Is this how I want our “how we met” story to go? If your first message comes from a top 10 list or it’s something your friend “swears by,” chances are it’s a pickup line that will fall flat.
OKCupid Alternative Best paid online dating website : Cupid ZBest free online dating website : Love MatchShirin Oskooi, 100s of Okc messages, feels like as many Okc datesAnswered 295w agoAn opening message on a dating site should be short and sweet, a little bit about you, a little bit about her (why you're messaging her), include an invitation to a low key date, e.g., coffee or drinks, and sign with your real first name.
- Short and sweet. Not so short that you seem like a bot or an idiot, but no one wants to read a novel. A reasonable target is two paragraphs with 3-4 sentences each.- Actionable. Ask the person out right away. a) It's a bad idea to "get to know" the person first via back-and-forth messaging. You're not getting to know her/him; you're getting to know her/his online- or texting- or whatever-persona.
The best way to get to know a person is by actually knowing them...in person.b) It saves you time (among other things). A 30-minute coffee/drinks date takes way less time than weeks of writing messages, agonizing over the right things to say, finding time to chat on the phone, vetting profile/messages/photos (yours AND theirs) with your friends, reading the tea leaves, whatever. c) You'll also know right away whether the person is willing to go on a date with you: you're preventing them from leading you on and wasting your time.
d) It shows confidence and intention.- Individualize the message to the person. Make one or two references to them/their profile that stood out to you. This shows that you paid attention to them, that this person specifically stood out to you, and that you two have something to talk about.Don't use shorthand English (text/IM speak). Don't compliment her physically. Don't use pet names (baby, doll, etc.
). Don't go out of your way to include something funny in the message; it'll likely come off as creepy or out of place, or just not you.Bad message examples: http://www.threatofakiss.com/201...Good message examples: http://www.threatofakiss.com/201...Your response is private.Is this answer still relevant and up to date?YesNoEric Parker, Writer/Ex Serial Dater currently pitching completed memoir of online dating told from 6 extreme perspective.
..Answered 280w agoFor men. And I wrote the same response on a different thread on how to get an attractive girl's attention Alright these answers could use a little more detail, so here’s my response. For reference, I’m a 5’6 Asian male and last year I went out with 25+ different girls from online (both OK Cupid and Match) representing seemingly every race and occupation including doctors, lawyers, a bi-sexual makeup artist, and even a stripper.
There are two different types of ‘hot girls’ on OK Cupid. Those who actually look like they care and have at least tried to fill out their profile in a substantive manner vs. those who don’t e.g. they fill out a few questions with basic phrases (I’m here to just have fun hehe!, I like to go out with the girls!, I can’t live without chapstick, If you have any questions just ask!) You know who those are.
And with this group there really is no magic bullet message that will get her attention in a positive way (you could always get her attention by creeping her out). I know these types of girls very well as I interviewed many for my book, and on OK Cupid if you send them an email they will judge your pinky-nail sized photo attached to your message and if their brain circuits aren’t instantly firing they’re not going to bother.
Sorry. These girls are messaged so often (think 20+ times a day) that they don’t care that you volunteer with inner city kids and are fluent in French. So first, make sure going in you know which type of girl you’re dealing with. If you’re not in the top 20% of the attractiveness scale then you have to work a bit harder.The good news however is that there are many attractive girls on OK Cupid that do take online dating a bit more seriously and will read most of their messages.
Yes these girls dread the fact that 75% of messages they get will be utterly useless and of no value (You’re hot, You have a great smile, I think we have a lot in common), but these girls also live with the romantic notion that it just takes that one message from that one guy for online dating to be worth it. The main objective of the first message to me is to really strike her curiosity enough so that she’ll give your profile a chance.
Let your profile do the work for you. Your message is used more as a means to get her to engage in a conversation. So it’s not just about having a good opening message, you need a profile that demonstrates congruence to the values you convey in your message and serves as an extension of your personality. But let’s be clear. No matter how awesome your first message and profile are, some girls won’t write you back because they aren’t attracted to you based on your pictures.
Sorry! Pictures still really matter. Some girls just won’t write someone back because of your ethnicity, height, or overall ‘look’. Ok so on to the first message. This isn’t rocket science, but basics go a long way.Basics:1. SPELLING and GRAMMAR. Don’t be lazy. Proofread whatever you write. This is a major turnoff for a lot of girls as it shows either laziness or a lack of education.
2. Don’t talk about yourself! A lot of girls get resume messages and you’re not going to stand out and “impress” her. You’re on a free dating website. Very few girls on OK Cupid are truly the ‘gold-digger’ types, and what’s great about the site is that it is truly a meritocracy. Not just looks, but smart and funny goes a long way.3. Read her profile. A girl can easily spot a copy-paste note so you need to be specific.
Yes once in a while if you send a clever joke or witty line she may respond. But the most consistent results come when your first message is actually personal and enables the conversation to keep flowing. 4. You’ll have more success if you message girls who match highly with you. You’re more likely to have something in common and if anything you can comment on the fact that you match so highly.
Advanced Basics:1. Different girls process and respond to language differently. What’s attractive to some girls is a turnoff to others. My first note shown below is really long, and many girls won’t read it. For the girl I’m going after however, I know it works. And it’s because the girls I would message usually would write a ton in their profiles so I knew she would be more receptive to a longer note.
So the most important piece of advice is to know your audience. 2. Flatter without being creepy or supplicating. It’s hard for me to describe actually what this means so just see my message below3. Ask her questions from her profile that aren’t boring. A lot of girls won’t write a guy back because ‘they don’t know what to say’. Just like a conversation in real life, give her something to respond to.
4. And finally and most importantly. Be fun. Show your lighter side whether it be joking around, using self-deprecating humor, or even making fun of them. Put your personality out there. Here is the first message that I would always use. Again this is just one example. Try to come up with your own template that uses the points I mention above that complements your profile. Anything written in bold I would change to correspond to a girl’s profile.
For reference my overall response rate was about 20%. For every 5 girls I messaged, one would write me back. And we’re talking some of the hottest girls on OK Cupid in Chicago. So I guess to even approach a sophisticated, outgoing, adventurous intellect like yourself I’ll have to dazzle you with my charm and wits.
You display such great self-awareness that the ‘standard clichés just probably won’t work. Give a gal some credit right? So perhaps unleashing my absolutely best KILLER one liners will do the trick. You ready? "Hey Baby how you doin 2nite?" Did that spike your serotonin level a bit? Try harder. Really? How about, "Nice shoes wanna....." Anyways jokes aside, you have me intrigued. While I understand this intellectual exercise in self-promotion can be difficult, it is baffling how little most women write about themselves.
So thank you for producing something that is actually informative, well-written, and even mildly quirky. Nice touch! After reading your profile, I'm drawn in by your personality as you appear to be someone who lives their life with such focus and positive energy. I wanted to write to you to learn more. I can tell we share a lot in common as you also seem to personify yourself as being passionately career driven, curious about the world, a fiercely dedicated friend, and also the easy-going, fun loving ‘dance on tables’ type of gal.
Your passion for volunteerism is quite admirable as it’s something I’m also deeply committed to. What type of philanthropy are you involved with? By the way, your travel photos are amazing! What was your most memorable vacation adventure, and where else is on your bucket list? I’ve always wanted to go Chile. What’s one thing ‘I HAVE TO DO’? Like you, I’m also fairly into Chicago’s culinary scene.
What are your favorite restaurants in the city- both trendy and total hole in the wall? Cheers, Eric Good luck everyone!MJ Vernon, Former international and serial dater, including and frequently online (starting in 1997), MJ Vernon is cur...Answered 336w agoBecky and Graeme nailed it; what excellent advice. You must tie your first email message to a point made or topic presented in his or her profile.
Let the Other know you are truly interested by commenting on something in the profile that interests you too, or reminds you of a personal story related to the point or topic . . . anything that let's him or her know that the message you are crafting is unique and could only be generated by having read the profile.Just as in conversation, when a shift in conversational control occurs, a good partipant recoginizes in some way (i.
e., repeating the message) what has just been said. This is true as well in an online conversation. Once the first message is linked to a profile, then each subsequent message should be linked to a point from a previous email message. These messages should link like a conversation.I like when Graeme says, "not much to go on, you might think." Indeed, you might think, but not true. A single word, like Scrabble, can be just the clue you need to open up a wide ranging conversation about games and words and family ties and nostalgia, email conversations that can develop into real, meaningful relationships.
Pay attention to what the Other is saying and acknowledge it with your own honest commentary. You will have fantastic success.--mjMJAnn Pierce, Entrepreneur, writer, pondererAnswered 46w ago · Author has 213 answers and 844.7k answer views1. Never just say “hey” or “hi”When you just write “hey” to a girl, you haven’t actually started a conversation. You haven’t told her anything about yourself.
You haven’t made clear what you have in common. You’re not even showing interest in anything specific about her.For a girl, replying to “hey” feels like work with no pay-off in sight.Should she just say “hey” back and hope that he’ll start a real conversation? Or will this be like the other 1,000 “hey” conversations that felt like pulling teeth and went nowhere interesting?Example:You: HeyHer: HiYou: What’s up?Her: Not much, you?You: Just watching TV.
[Girl stops replying]When you just write “hey,” you better have one of the best profiles she’s ever seen. Otherwise, she’s not going to waste her time.2. Start by finding something in her photos/bio to comment on (not her looks)Maybe she has a pic of herself at the beach. You can say, “Hey, nice beach pic. When was the last time you’ve been?”Maybe she has a pic of herself on a dance floor.
You can say, “Cute dancing pic. Do you go out often?”Maybe she has a pic of herself wearing a big hat or a colorful scarf. You can say, “Nice scarf. Where do you get your style from?”Other comments you could pull from a girl’s pics/bio:So you’re the outdoorsy type, huh?Whose wedding? I love wedding season.Are you a gamer? What do you play?Is that Fat Tire? That’s my favorite beer. What’s yours?So you’re in school? What do you study?What kind of stuff do you like to read?Noticed the scrubs.
So you’re a nurse? Do you like it?Great Poison Ivy costume! Do you usually go all out for Halloween?Do people tell you you’re photogenic? Your pics are like model poses — in a good way, of course!You like the Steelers? What did you think of Monday’s loss against _?You think guys can pull off yoga poses too?Where’d you go on vaca? Beautiful view.The possibilities are endless.3. Make sure to ask a clear questionThe best openers end with a clear question that gets her talking about something specific.
“What’s up?,” “How are you?,” and “Doing anything this weekend?” don’t cut it. They’re too general. They put the work on her to decide what to talk about. Rather, ask specific questions (like the examples above) that put you in the driver’s seat of the conversation.4. Dig for common groundAs your conversation goes back-and-forth, keep in mind: your goal is to find commonalities.
Emphasize what you have in common.Example convo:You: Great Poison Ivy costume! Do you usually go all out for Halloween?Her: Yeah I love it. It’s my favorite holiday!You: Me too. Horror movies are the best. So what do you study at school?Her: Oh I agree!! Philosophy. Did you just graduate [referencing pic]?You: Yeah I did. Glad to be out. The last year was tough! Do you like school?Her: I hear you.
It’s hard. But I love my major. And I’ll miss my sorority sisters when it’s over for sure.Finding common ground doesn’t always mean you have to know or like the exact same things. It can also just mean relating to her feelings.Say, for instance, a girl tells you she went to vacation in Mexico for spring break, and you’ve never been to Mexico. You can say something like, “That really sounds amazing.
Bummer to leave, huh? What do you do back here for fun?”5. After some back and forth, suggest meeting upThis does not need to be complicated. Once you’ve had a little bit of conversation (like a minimum of 3-5 responses), end your message with an ask.To use our example convo again:Her: I hear you. It’s hard. But I love my major. And I’ll miss my sorority sisters when it’s over for sure.You: Yeah that’s the toughest thing.
I’ve still been in touch with everybody, but it’s harder for sure.You: Hey would you be down to grab coffee sometime?Her: Yeah sure. You: Are you free at all next week — maybe Thursday?Her: Yeah I can do Thursday night after 5You: Cool. How about Cook’s Coffee in Parker? Is 5 good or should we make it 5:30?Her: 5 works for me!You: Cool. See you then!Her: Looking forward to it! [End of conversation]Simple.
Bonus: First, be sure you’re using the right pics!That little profile photo of you makes a big difference in the way girls “hear” your messages. For instance, if you seem good-looking but a little bit douchey in your pic, an innocent comment might come across as overly flirty or aggressive.In fact, you could say the same thing to the same girl with a different main profile pic and get a completely different reaction.
Because whether a woman likes what you’re saying or not depends on what kind of person you seem like.So while the above advice should help, I can’t overemphasize the importance of your pics first.To choose your best pics for dating, get a variety of photos together and try testing them on Photofeeler to know exactly how they’re coming across to women. Will up your game by a ton.Credits:What do I say to girls on Tinder to get a reply? - ProfiledPhotofeeler.